If You Can...

  • If you can start the day without caffeine,
  • If you can get going without pep pills,
  • If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
  • If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
  • If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
  • If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime,
  • If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
  • If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
  • If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
  • If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
  • If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
  • If you can conquer tension without medical help,
  • If you can relax without liquor,
  • If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
  • If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your Lab.

 

Labbie Haiku

 

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

 
I lie at their feet.
Their mood is so Romantic
I fart a big one.

 

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.

 

 

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts - I celebrate
By kissing your face.

 

 

The cat is not all
Bad - she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.

 

 

Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

 

 

I love my master
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

 
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

 

I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

 

You may call them fleas,
But they are far more -I call
Them a vocation

 

Lab: verb: To be greeted with great enthusiasm by a somewhat large warm furry animal. Usage: "This 85 pound lap dog is Labbing me. "

 

LABBY RESCUE PIE RECIPE

Take one rescued lab, roll and play until lightly pampered, and then add the following ingredients:

  • 1 Cup of patience
  • 1 Cup of understanding
  • 1 Pinch of correction
  • 1 Pinch of hard work
  • 2 Cups of praise and 1 1/2 cups of fun.

Blend well. Heat with the warmth of your heart and mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and labby are one.

 

My Dog Lives In This House
Unknown Author

My dog lives in this house. You are welcome to come and visit me anytime but we have a few things that you must understand before you visit. You must expect a few dog hairs to stick to your clothes. I vacuum and clean, but my dog lives here too.

You may be leaned on and find him in your lap a few times but he does this because he loves people and wants to say Hello. So if you feel that you are too good for his love then you are not welcomed here because this is his home too.

My dog is well mannered and very clean but if you are one of those people who think all animals are dirty and smell, then go away. You are not the type of person that I care to associate with. If you don't like the sound of barking, then my home is not going to be a comfortable place for you to visit.

Do not expect me to lock my dog in another room during your visit. I have trained my dog well so he will not do anything to you except maybe want a pat on the head. I will not subject him to feel as if he is being punished by locking him away for no reason. That would be cruel. When you walk into my home, be careful not trip on a stuffed toy or ball. These are my dog's treasures and I will not take them away from him just to show you that I keep a clean house. He knows where all his toys are. They may not look like much to you, but to him, they are worth more than gold.

You see, this is OUR home. We have been together since he was a small puppy scampering around the house. I raised him into a well mannered, beautifully behaved dog.

I am proud of him. I consider him my personal gift from GOD. He has done nothing but give me his endless love and devotion for many years. I love him dearly and want to make his years happy ones. As happy as he made mine.

When I was sick, he stayed right by my side, as I did his when he is not having a good day. A better friend I could not ask for.

When no one else cared, my dog did. He has given me nothing but pure joy and I love him endlessly. So please understand that I am not being rude. I'm just looking out for my best friend.

How To Photograph A New Puppy

  1. Remove film from box and load camera
  2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
  3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
  4. Choose a suitable background for photo
  5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
  6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
  7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
  8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
  9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
  10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
  11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
  12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's  nose
  13. Put magazines back on coffee table
  14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
  15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
  16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say,   "No, outside! No, outside! "
  17. Call spouse to clean up mess
  18. Fix a drink
  19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy    "sit/stand" and "stay" the first thing in the morning
  20. Consider adopting an "older, rescue" dog.

Quotes

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way animals are treated" Mahatma Gandhi

"Animals are such agreeable friends - they ask no questions, they pass no criticisms" George Eliot

“A dog wags tail with its heart" Martin Buxbaum

“It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?” Eleanor H. Porter